We Really Are Okay

We Really Are Okay

To My Son’s Father,

While you truly do not deserve an ounce of my energy or a moment of my time, I am writing to you on behalf of our son and his unfulfilled desire to experience some glimmer of a healthy and functional relationship with his father. I use the term “our son” extremely loosely as your contribution to his existence has been minimal, yet this beautiful young man still longs for your love.

I could hear it in his trembling voice this evening as he enumerated all the reasons why he would rather not have you in his life any more.  Frankly this has been a long time coming. You’ve missed out on so much: a lot of skinned knees and ear infections, a lot of late nights and early mornings, a bunch of empty pockets and unfulfilled promises. You don’t feed him or clothe him or cuddle with him. You do not help him with his homework. You don’t listen to him, comfort him or respect him as an individual.

In the 16 and a half glorious years that our child has graced this planet, you have managed to not only miss out on countless memories and milestones, but also to contribute a surplus of disappointment and daddy issues to his life. Time and time again you have failed to show up, forgotten to call, and messed with your son’s emotions and sense of security. You have become famous for incoherent conversations and infamous for sleeping off hangovers instead of spending your free time with him. You’ve made limited attempts to support your child in any manner whatsoever. You take no initiative to be involved in his schooling. You take no steps to take part in his healing. You ignore all monetary obligations to assist in his surviving. Oh that’s right, you did pay rent two months in a row last year, half the rent back in April of last year; and of course there was that time back in 2004 when I had to sell you our big screen tv so you could actually help me pay rent.  Yet somehow you believe that the few times that you did help us equates to you being there for him all his life. When in reality you’d often say things like “I’ll see him when I see him.”
Most recently you claimed that me being unable to pay rent is my problem and that you are not responsible for me.  You are right.  However, you do not seem the least bit concerned about how this affects our son – where will he sleep, what will he eat, how will this affect his grades?  Perhaps this is your way to force him to live with you, again without any consideration about how doing so will affect him.
In spite of that I never kept him from you. I never prevented you from seeing him and I never told him anything disparaging about you. I let him make his own choices.
I am thankful to you for many things. The first, and most obvious, is for contributing your genetic material to create him, albeit the solitary shining achievement in your legacy of fatherhood. Secondly, I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude for the many lessons you have taught our boy. Thank you for teaching him to be strong. Without your constant onslaught of spectacular screw ups, he might not be as fiercely resilient as he is today. Had you not failed him in every way imaginable, he might have only had the opportunity to be a typical little boy. Thank you for teaching him to be independent. He doesn’t need you. Not for anything anymore. Thank you for teaching him one of life’s most valuable lessons: expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed. Thank you for teaching him how to cope with grief, and anxiety, and depression at such an early age.
Thank you also for all of the unsolicited advice you continue to dole out to your son: he should play a sport, he should eat more vegetables, he should be thinner, faster, smarter, better.  Because according to you he belongs to a superior, highly educated family. Since you seem so interested in working in the advice department, allow me to return the favor. Get a life. Get a grip on your selfish, self-centered, childish and petulant behavior. Get it together for your son.
Our son is special. He is smart and funny and all-around awesome, and he is tough, independent and successful. He has a spectacular sense of humor and a well-rounded sense of self.
Although I am concerned about how this decision will affect him as he rushes into manhood I am relieved that my silence about you is finally over. My protection of you in the eyes of my son has ended. I will no longer bite my tongue about your questionable parenting, and I will no longer force him to make any attempts to contact you. My son, will determine from this point on whether or not HE wants to deal with you.
Despite the fact that I am currently unemployed and our future seems bleak and uncertain; I know Baz and I are walking out on the other side of this dark tunnel holding hands, mother and son – an unbreakable bond of love and support. We are stronger than we’ve ever been because of each other, because not only did I guide and show him the way, he showed me too. He gave me the reason to believe in myself and push hard to become who I am. He taught me how to love, and he showed me what the meaning of work ethic is and what the word fight really means. We really are okay.
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Giving Up Not An Option

Giving Up Not An Option

Last Thursday I was unexpectedly laid due to “budget cuts” they said. Yet I’m aware that the current political climate within the Union I was employed by is unstable so I am certain that the “budget cuts” excuse is not accurate but I have no way of proving it. So there I was feeling like a pitiful sad-sack of emotions. The thirty minutes it took me to reach the bus stop I alternated between worrying about projects I left behind and sobbing uncontrollably. My friends M, K & R all called to let me vent and reassure me. As did my Sister, my Father, Aunt, and cousins. My Facebook friends all rallied to cheer me up. Even my son’s father called to let me know I can count on him if I need anything. I am loved. My cup runneth over…

  

So now what?

While I would love to be able to work from home and/or create my own business truthfully I am terrified!  How am I going to make ends meet? What bills am I going to have to defer and for how long? I forgot how disorienting, stressful and difficult it can be to be unemployed and without any prospects.  

Although I did start updating my resume I mostly gave myself a break over the weekend and allowed myself to mourn the loss. Then early Monday morning I finished updating my resume and scouring the want ands for my next admin gig. 

  

The immediate plan is to use my severance pay (when it finally arrives) to pay rent this month while I search for a new gig. The fear is still there. However, I realize that  the layoff is simply the end of one chapter in my life. I have to take this opportunity to build myself back up and find that new beginning for myself and my Son.  

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The lack of a 9-to-5 also opens up my schedule to market my online Chloe+Isabel jewelry boutique full-time which I really didn’t have time for while I was stuck in the office.  

Generally I market my business through social media, holding online events to drive traffic to my boutique.  Now that my schedule is completely open I am excited about using this time to have some personal or group styling sessions.   

 

If you haven’t already, please visit my boutique. The jewelry is so versatile, especially the convertible jewelry.  Each piece can be worn in a variety of ways for maximum use and value.  Plus, all C+I jewelry is hypoallergenic, lead safe, nickel free and comes with a LIFETIME REPLACEMENT GUARANTEE. Yes, I said lifetime!!! 

 

You can find a something that suits your personal style on my boutique:

http://www.chloeandisabel.com/boutique/bymaruca

 
I’ll be re-launching my boutique and am working on a special offer. In the meantime please feel free to message me at candibymaruca@gmail.com, if you have any questions. 

Cough Syrup

The lyrics of Young The Giant’s song got me thinking about life in general and how our particular challenges tear us down and at times nearly make us lose our minds…..But things don’t always have to be so dire…  even if they do become so we can always seek refuge on those things that give us comfort….like friends, family, Richard Armitage fangirling and our faith – whatever that might be….

So I run now to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be

His smile is infectious
His smile is infectious

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Life’s too short to even care at all, oh
I’m losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh
These fishes in the sea they’re staring at me oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
A wet world aches for a beat of a drum
Oh

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down.

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh
I’m coming up now coming up now out of the blue, oh
These zombies in the park they’re looking for my heart
Oh oh oh oh
A dark world aches for a splash of the sun, oh oh

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

And so I run now to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down

Life’s too short to even care at all, oh
I’m losing my mind losing my mind losing control, oh oh

If I could find a way to see this straight
I’d run away
To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

So I run now to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down

One more spoon of cough syrup now (oh whoa) [x2]

Daily Prompt: Happy Happy Joy Joy

If you’ve read some of my more personal posts you are aware that I’ve been struggling financially.  I try not to focus on it but I cannot deny that I the “anxiety” monkey has been slowly creeping up the top of my shoulders as the calendar inches closer to January 22nd; which is the day we have to be completely moved out of my Brother and SIL’s house (they’ve made arrangements with the bank).

It just seems like Dad and I just can’t catch a break.  Although Dad is slowly branching out on his own, getting small cabinetry jobs here and there; remodeling work has been scarce for him since he ended his partnership with Brother’s construction business.  My job is steady but it is still part-time.   Our combined incomes have been barely enough to pay all the utilities and put food on the table but not enough to save any money towards a deposit on an apartment.

Leasing requirements being what they are – most apartment complexes require that one’s combined income should be at least 3X’s the amount of the rent – means that neither of us qualify to lease an apartment unless of course we moved to an unsafe neighborhood.  We’ve also scoured the internet for other families looking to rent out rooms in their homes but haven’t had any success yet.  Last week in desperation I wrote a message to some of the leading Brothers in our local church.  Everyone has been praying for us.  We’ve been praying, crying, praying, searching, praying, posting ad looking for roommates, praying some more……

We have yet to find alternate living arrangements; however, today I was overcome with emotion when one of these leading Brothers showed up at our doorstep with a monetary offering of $600 dollars to help us get an apartment.  With tears in my eyes I thanked him profusely then wept as soon as he walked out the door…

I still don’t know where we will live but I have faith the Lord will provide.  In the meantime, I’ll continue searching for the right place for us.  It’s getting down to the wire but I know He always gives us what we need, exactly when we need it.

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On A Positive Note

So today I started a part-time cleaning job for a local family. This is what she texted me:
Omg!!!! I just got home and LOOOOOVE YOU!!! Lol!! Thank u!!!!!!!
We just love you!! And I haven’t even officially met you!! Hubby is so glad we found you!! I hope you don’t think it’s just a “maid” position!! 😀

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My life is BLESSED!!!

My life is BLESSED!!!
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They say that the Lord doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle….and I believe that is true…  I also believe that there is a purpose for our trials and tribulations…. He has a plan for every single one of us….The following verses illustrate this very clearly:

Isaiah 64:8 says: But now, Jehovah, You are our Father; we are the clay; and You, our Potter; And all of us are the work of Your hand.

And:

Romans 9:20 says: But rather, O man, who are you who answer back to God? Shall the thing molded say to him who molded it, Why did you make me thus?

In order to fulfill His plan we must go through a process; kind of like a metal is heated to rid it of its impurities:

1 Peter 1:6-7 In which time you exult, though for a little while at present, if it must be, you have been made sorrowful by various trials, So that the proving of your faith, much more precious than of gold which perishes though it is proved by fire, may be found unto praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ

Meaning that although the hardships may be difficult to deal with and test my faith, in the end it I will be strengthened.  Just like Frenz’s rose bushes:

“if some plants of the same variety, age, size and living conditions are treated the same except one plant is pruned, the plant that’s been cut or “stressed” will eventually be much stronger and more productive than the one which was untouched.” ~Frenz

My journey through life, thus far, has been wonderful yet overwhelmingly daunting at times… I’ve enjoyed successes and failures… I have loved and been bitterly disenchanted… Friends have come and gone…while new ones have surfaced.  Although I can’t say that it thrills me to endure these trials, I know by experience that this too will pass and I will be better for it.   I am strong, capable, worthy and tenacious enough to remain true to myself while striving in my personal and spiritual goals.  All I have to do is trust in the Lord’s transforming work in me…learn to give thanks in EVERYTHING (yes, even for this painful pruning)…because the Lord knows exactly what is best for me AND my family…

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

To say that this has been a tough year is an understatement; nevertheless there is still plenty to be thankful for…

I am thankful for a God who cares about all we go through (1 Peter 5:7), for the difficulties in life because they help shape who we are.  I am thankful for my family and the love we have for each other even on the days that love seems nonexistent.  I am thankful for the children in our lives, for the trust in their hopeful eyes, for their laughter when they play and for the very fact that they are healthy and alive.  I am thankful that even in the mist of this chaotic, messy, wonderful life I can stop and take a deep breath to rest and enjoy the moment.

So work hard, believe, appreciate, take nothing for granted and may you feel as blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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