Emotional Tug of War

(source)
(source)

It is my belief that the Lord always gives me what I need, exactly when I need it.  My current gig is in exchange for room and board which means I that I have to find alternative ways of making money.   Sometimes I edit business plans, other times I translate and record answering service scripts for businesses and occasionally Dad gives me a few bucks to do his laundry.  Recently, out of nowhere, I was offered the opportunity to work part-time as an Human Resources Administrator.

It seems that every time that I start getting comfortable being a stay at home mom/auntie I get a job offer that changes everything.   In 2011, I was caring for Nephew and starting a little routine for him when I got the opportunity to work in Property Management .  Worst job ever, yet I kept at it for a 13 months.   After that job ended I started caring for Niece and Nephew together for a few months until Nephew began preschool.   Later the routine included taking him to school while I cleaned the house, did the laundry, bought groceries, and other housewife-y chores while caring for Niece.  As a bonus I also got to pick up my teenage son from school and spend some time with him.  I also get to blog, surf the internet, focus on my health plus as a bonus I’ve been gifted an iPhone and a Kindle as gratitude for my efforts.  Watching Niece develop from a small, squirmy, whiny newborn into a bright and beautifully expressive 7 month-old has been an amazing experience.   We’ve developed a truly special bond.  She’s such a fun, happy baby!  All awesomely wonderful things.

On the other hand,  this isn’t my house and these are not my children.  

The Kiddoes
The Kiddoes

Son and I have everything we NEED here but I know this is not going to last forever.  In the meantime, I’m off the workforce, my skills and talents are not being used, I have little privacy, Brother and  Sister-in-law have little privacy.  I’ve witnessed more than I’ve ever wanted to witness or be a part of in their their relationship.  Their marriage is like a ticking time bomb that could implode at any moment.  Their business is also suffering.  Customers are unhappy and at least one of them is contemplating a civil suit.  Staying home to care for the kids helps them out but what happens to Son and I when/if they separate and/or the business goes bankrupt?   I love my family yet all things considered my first priority is to my son.  So, I’ve accepted the offer and submitted my application.  If all goes well I’ll have a paying job by the end of this week.

I feel so guilty though….going back to work means that the kid’s routine will be totally altered.  There is so much strife in their short lives already that I fear taking away what little stability they have will have a lasting negative impact on them.  There has to be a balance between what my family needs from me and what I need for myself and my son…

Mother & Son Selfie
Mother & Son Selfie
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9 thoughts on “Emotional Tug of War

  1. Things happen for a reason and in the end we make choices based on our priorities at that moment. It’s a precarious game of balancing everything and learning when and what to let go off in order to achieve that balance. Good luck!

    1. Thanks, Doll!

      You are so right. Things do happen….I’m no stranger to reaching such crossroads and feeling torn…there’s no doubt in my mind that we’ll all be ok, including the kids…yet, I still can’t help feeling this way…

  2. In this economy, you definitely want to keep your job skills polished and it’s impressive that this work has jumped into your path. I understand your conflicts as you’ve articulated them, but you do need to keep yourself together to take care of not just your son, but also yourself! Good luck.

  3. You could look at it that taking the job ( and it sounds good and challenging) is an investment in your son’s future and your own, and I would guess it will also indirectly help the younger children. You’ll make the right decision, whatever it is.

    1. I think what we always forget (what I always forget, anyway) is: RETIREMENT SAVINGS. When we work now, it’s not just about now.

      1. OMG, YES!!! Like an idiot I gave Brother what little I had in my 401k as my way of contributing to the household when I first moved out here! Biggest mistake ever! I need to stop considering his needs and focus on my own needs. It’s time to be a bit “selfish” for my own good.

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